This won’t be a normal post as it doesn’t follow the “story” style of my blog . It’s also the last post before I go on a blog hiatus from here.
If you were expecting this to be a continuation of this travel romance story, you will be disappointed. This is mostly a way for me to wrap up my thoughts after I allowed for things to settle and after allowing myself time to get started with my new life. I actually wrote this awhile ago but I updated it recently for publish.
About a year ago (almost exactly in fact), my life changed forever. I didn’t know it at the time. I met K in January 2013, and then I met her again during the month of March (Chapter 1). I never thought a kiss would be so relevant to change the entire scope of the next few months. But looking at the one event that did it, it would be that moment.
Fast forward 9 months, I am now living in Malaysia and K is back in America. The last message we exchanged was at the beginning of December, 2013. It was a message from me asking for copies of the pictures from our travels; the ones that we shared together. The message went unanswered.
I removed K off my Facebook in the beginning of January, 2014. I have not heard from her since and I am not even sure if she has even noticed.
You may ask, why then? Why did it take me 7 months to do it?
I guess I didn’t really know how I felt. The first few months back home were a bit chaotic. I was trying to sort myself and also sort my new life in Asia. I was trying to let all my feelings settle; everything from my old ex (pre travels), to K, to getting back to 100% healthy and so forth.
KLG (The Unexpected Friend) told me to do it months ago, but I didn’t listen to her. She turned out to be a very anti-K despite that I thought she had a similar persona to K in the beginning. But then in November 2013, KLG said something to me. I had learned that K was going to be visiting Vancouver soon. KLG thought it was “terrible” because of the timing. I asked her why she thought that; after all she didn’t even like K. She said “Well I’m okay with her as long as she does something nice.”
As things settled, I could feel the ill feelings sink in harder. It wasn’t the end result I wasn’t happy about, it was some of the things that K said to me (I left a lot of conversations out of the story and some of the most aggravating ones were never mentioned). And of course, it was how she acted in a lot of different situations. I knew that a part of hated her as much as I didn’t want to admit it. The only thing stopping me was that she had indirectly done so much for me. I had a soft spot towards that and it definitely showed as everything happened.
But in the end, I realize what the end result was: I could not trust her. I could not trust that anything was real. The thing that sealed the deal was that my last message went unanswered. A habit she was often known for in the beginning of our story. And just as equally, it was how she acted after as much as what happened during our travels.
I had been tolerant enough. It was not the first message that she had not replied since we parted ways. I knew she did not respect our friendship. If she does, she certainly does a terrible job at showing it. In one of our final conversations, she told me that “[I] was special to her”. I didn’t believe her. If I was so special, why can’t you do something so simple as replying a message. Friendship is a two way street but she drives it like a 1-way boulevard.
As I looked back, I wonder if the person I saw was simply an illusion; someone who wasn’t entirely real. They speak of this “travel dream”. Maybe that was it. But I knew for me, there was a bit more to it. I knew that she was not perfect. I never once said I loved this girl but I’m sure people were suggesting it.
I knew that when I met her, I may have seen a person behind some walls; someone that I felt had something more. There were many times, I knew I saw her for what she could be, and not for how she was acting.
I know everyone has said that I deserve better than her. Even she said that when we said goodbye in Siem Reap. Of course I did not believe her. I knew that you will always have a chance to see and do things as you travel, but you won’t always have a chance to meet someone amazing.
And so, when people talk to me about her, they say it wasn’t me that lost out, it was her. And I will admittedly say something cocky: I know that. Not in an arrogant way. I just know that I am a great catch and I knew that if she had a chance with me, she would’ve had the chance at better than anything she’s ever had.
It is sad that this is where things ended up. Whether she realizes it or not, I am sure I cared more about her than anyone else she met while traveling. And so, it is sad that she didn’t try harder to protect our “friendship”. Because I think that’s what a lot of people want: to know that they mattered. I once said she was like a combination of girls I’ve liked in the past. And she truly is, as this resonates eerily similar to someone else that I used to be friends with.
“If [she came] see me…” KLG had said. I felt that if K would ever come to Vancouver, she would come to visit Vancouver first, and me second. It would not be the other way around. Am I wrong K?
When I was unsure of whether I would see her again after leaving Siem Reap, she wrote this to me in an email.
“Be happy, C, and maybe one day, fate – which you don’t believe in, but I do – will bring our paths to a crossroads again.”
She was right. At the end of the day, I still didn’t really believe in fate. I believed that I made my own. The same way that kissing her paved the way for everything else to happen. And maybe one day, she will make her own. Maybe one day, she will come visit me first, and everything else second.
That would be a good ending.